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FAQ

What seemingly small thing secretly destroys relationships over time?
In my relationships, I’ve always been a bit too nice.Too nice leads us to bury our complaints, to avoid conflict at our own expense.And, unfortunately, the two common outcomes of “too nice” are:One: you slowly start to resent the other person. Your resentment erodes your opinion of your partner, and thus the relationship.Guilty.Two: you let your frustrations boil up and then blow up on your partner.Also guilty.I’ll even give you an example on Two. I’m not excited to. But I will.My then-GF bought me Bluetooth headphones.It was a sweet present. I liked it.But….They didn’t fit.They weren’t comfortable.I was too nice to say I didn’t like them. I should have just said they didn’t fit and returned them.But I didn’t.I smiled and kept them. I never fathomed a pair of headphones would become the source of so much pain.And thus began our problem.My then-GF and I went to the gym together quite often.It was our routine.She quickly took notice of my not-using those headphones. And she was quickly not-ok with it.She began asking questions about it, “Why aren’t you using those headphones?”And those questions soon grew an edge to them.“I spent lots of money on those headphones, would you at least try them?”And thorns.“You should have returned them, Sean. What a waste.”I would brush it off and say, “Sorry babe! I’ll wear them next time!”OR“I don’t know what you want me to say.”I played it off apologetically.She’d done this with other presents in the past. I usually just took these complaints on the chin and just moved past it.But this present was different.For months and months, she pestered me about these headphones.“Why aren’t you using those headphones?”“Why aren’t you using those headphones?”“Why aren’t you using those headphones?”It was starting to royally piss me off. I felt like I’d gotten a present from the devil.The triviality of it all enflamed my frustration.This was not a gripe about me texting women, me spending money carelessly, me needing a job.This was a gripe about me using a pair of headphones.Hell had graciously delivered itself to me in the form of headphones.Blue.Fucking.Tooth.Headphones.But alas, this much ado about nothing was my fault, really.I could have stopped it. I could have delivered myself from evil.But no, I just took it.The holy headphones became the cross that I bore.I should have been upfront with her. I should have called it out.But like your garden variety, generic, dopey dude, I let it fester.My irritation ate away at me. It gnawed. It grew. It solicited my anger.One day, we got into a bit of a disagreement about an upcoming holiday, I was tired, I was fed up. That was was all I needed,I blew.~“NEW RULE. If you are going to get me a present. And I get you a present. We don’t become the PRESENT POLICE. You hand the present over. And you release. The present is now gone and in MY possession. No further supervision, PERIOD.OTHERWISE - for the love of god - do NOT get me a present. I DREAD getting presents from you. I HATE it.”It was too much.I regretted my actions. Almost immediately.I should have addressed the source of this earlier on and just said she needed to stop. I was too nice.Don’t be too nice. It’s not good. Regular Nice should suffice.
Why do gun rights advocates ignore the precedent found in the successful integration of gun control policy in the majority of industrialized nations?
There are other great answers here pointing to the paucity of useful statistics indicating that gun control has worked elsewhere - either because gun control hasn’t worked, or it hasn’t worked per capita, or we have a longer constitutional republic, or why the second amendment was made in the first place, etc. And Quora has **MANY** answers on why the U.S. second amendment was created.HOWEVER, the overwhelming reason Americans ignore other nations is that, by and large:Americans do not compare themselves to anyone else, anywhere else, ever.You say “the precedent in the successful integration of gun control policy in the majority of industrialized nations”. Well, no. “Precedent” means what came before. Americas’s version of gun control* came before ALL OF THE OTHER current governments of industrialized nations. AMERICA has set the precedent. All of the other nations are more recent experiments.* American “gun control” = using both hands to properly aim.To see why Americans ignore what other nations are experimenting with, consider:Why, exactly, would the oldest remaining democracy (since ancient Greece failed) compare itself with anyone else?Why, exactly, would the greatest nation currently on Earth compare itself to any other?I say these things tongue-in-cheek — but, to most Americans, they are simply TRUE. A given. They are the starting point for any debate about another country.I’m not worried about actually PROVING America is the greatest nation on Earth, I’m just saying a great many Americans BELIEVE it.The USA finished its internal civil wars far before Europe or Eastern Asia. (And Southwestern Asia/Middle East has a long way to go before finishing civil wars there.)The USA bailed out Europe and Japan after WW II — EVEN THOUGH the war was not Americans’ “fault”.The USA pushed Europe into accepting Israel as a state.The USA has tried to feed Africa. (It hasn’t been that easy to do.)The USA has tried to bring democracy to the world - such as the Middle East. (That hasn’t been easy either.)Even when America makes a mistake - perhaps Vietnam, perhaps Iraq? - Americans think of these as aberrations from the ideal America that everyone knows is possible, and is likely, and is deserved.There is a feeling in America that, perhaps the streets are not really paved with gold, but *GOD* HIMSELF* has supported the establishment of America, and its expansion, and its power.(Again, I’m not proving all these feelings. But they are real feelings, deep within the American psyche.)Given those feelings — why, exactly, would ANY American look at some other (recently) “industrialized nation” as some kind of example?Why aren’t the other industrialized nations, poor from their paucity of guns, looking at the shining example of America’s City On The Hill?What will it take before the French and other Europeans realize that their unfortunate attempts at “gun control” actually make their country weaker? Allow terrorists and other criminals to bring in guns and commit mass murder while controlling law-abiding citizens?THAT is the mindset of American gun rights advocates. AMERICA has made the precedent, not other nations. The rest of the “majority of industrialized nations” will soon realize their mistake, realize that America uniquely sets the standard of what is true and right, and, after enough terrorist attacks on those other countries, they will join America in adopting America’s Second Amendment.
How hard is it to submit a paper to a famous conference in computer science?
Gene Spafford’s short reply pretty much nails it.Gene Spafford's answer to How hard is it to submit a paper to a famous conference in computer science?On top of the low acceptance rate, there’s a lot of noise (random fluctuation) in the reviewing process. As a prime example, for the flagship NIPS conference in the neural-net/deep-learning area, the acceptance rate for oral presentation is very low, and even the acceptance rate for poster presentation is low.Meanwhile, given the current surge of interest in Deep Learning, the number of submissions is exploding. It’s very hard to find enough competent referees to put two or three of them on each paper, especially given that reviewing papers is perhaps the most thankless of tasks that a researcher can spend time on. Many of us feel obligated to do some amount of reviewing as a service to our field, but there’s no real reward (except the occasional chance to see a good paper before everyone else does, but you’re not supposed to make use of what you see), a lot of hassle, and a lot of time required to do it right. All of that time is taken away from our own research and writing our own papers.So we end up with stories of key points being missed or misunderstood by over-stressed, uninterested, or incompetent reviewers, or of grad students being pressed into last-minute service to review papers.The NIPS community, being data geeks at heart, have spent some time trying to quantify the amount of noise. There’s no “ground truth” — that is, no oracle that can say whether a paper should or should not be accepted — so these studies take some random subset of the papers, give them to two NIPS-typical teams of reviewers, and look to see whether the recommendations are the same for both groups. Some references are below, but googling can find you more.Basically, it seems that some really weak papers are rejected by both groups, a few stellar one are perhaps accepted reliably by both groups, and there’s a frightening level of disagreement on which of the others should be accepted. So if you could somehow submit a good paper to NIPS several times, with different randomly-chosen referees each time, it would sometimes be accepted for the conference and sometimes not.The NIPS experimentThe Nips Experimenthttps://arxiv.org/pdf/1708.09794...Because of problems like this, I personally think that the use of unpaid expert referees by conferences and journals as the gatekeepers and error-checkers, controlling what other researchers can easily see and what they cannot, is a system whose time has passed.I think that in the future, everyone will be able to put their papers into some permanent archive where it can reliably be found in the future. This should be free to readers and, ideally, free to authors. Simple storage and indexing of these papers is not very costly, and could be covered by the government or some foundation.A lot of that stuff will be garbage. So we need to build up a system for quality control, flagging of errors and issues, evaluation, and recommendation based on organizations or informal networks of respected people in the field. This is an extension of the way we evaluate and recommend products and services online now. The best papers will be noticed because a lot of people recommend them. That’s not an infallible system, but probably better than what we have now — especially if we think carefully about ways to keep self-promotion, self-serving commercial interests, and website optimization out of the game.I don’t have a complete design in mind, but this is something we should work toward.If this is successful, promotion committees could use the more reliable markers of online reputation in place of the current “number of publications” metrics.Conferences could return to their original purpose of exchanging ideas, and would no longer be a check-mark for promotion.Journals could focus on long-form presentation of ideas, by invitation, with perhaps lots of theme issues and so on (as the better non-peer-reviewed journals and technical publications do today).The expensive journals that are abusing their position as arbiters of academic quality and advancement could achieve a well-earned extinction.
Why is the Quran so ambiguous regarding the rules of prayer, ablution, zakat, etc.? Does Allah have any specific wisdom behind it?
The Qur'an is to be understood by its meaning of the words. Hence, the words are not ambiguous. Zakat refers to charity, prayer refers to praising and worshipping Allah alone, ablution refers to cleanliness, etc. So there is no ambiguity in the meaning of the terms.Yet a term can be applied in several ways. Meaning that while praying refers to praising Allah, there is more than one way to give praise. The same applies to the amount in charity, etc. So the ambiguity you are referencing relates to assuming that there is one specific way to do these things. That does not make the Qur'an ambiguous, but rather you assuming that the term relates to a specific application, thus being confused because the Qur'an did not name a specific application.The Qur'an never intended to prescribe a specific application. However, the tradition of the Muslims or actions of the Prophet do include a specific application. These are mentioned in the hadith. So if you want to follow tradition and know the specifics, then one must look to the hadith. The Qur'an only mentions its meaning.As for the wisdom behind it, Islam is an easy religion. It is to be adapted by all people of different cultures and ethnicities and nations. Therefore, each nation or culture has the right to apply the terms however they wish to best worship Allah and in ways that are more easy or suitable for them. This is why there is no prescribed or specific application mentioned in the Qur'an.Yet as stated earlier, there is a specific tradition mentioned in the hadith. So you may likely hear a different answer from others that say you must follow the tradition. So for example, salaat means the led or group praise. This is how it is used in the Qur'an. To another Muslim, he will say that it means the specific way that the Prophet prayed (which is found in the hadith). So as long as you are leading or being led in prayer, you are making salaat. Yet a traditionalist will disagree and say it is not salaat if it is not done in the same manner as the prophet. I disagree with this because the specifics are not mentioned in the Qur'an, nor does the root word of salaat mean to pray as the Prophet prayed. Its root simply means to praise and it is used throughout the Qur'an to refer to a group of people praying. Hence, it means a led prayer. When prayer is done alone, it says salla, not salaat. Using logic and reason, it shows that the wisdom behind this is that Allah only wished that people as a community establish a way to pray together according to their own liking and culture. This is why there is no specifics in the Qur'an and this is the wisdom. However, one is free to follow a specific tradition and it is highly prescribed and recommended by most Muslims and scholars to follow the specific tradition of the Prophet Muhammad.Simply put, the Qur'an does not prescribe a specific application because its message is supposed to appeal to all people of different backgrounds and not a specific people. Yet if you wish for a specific application, you can refer to the hadith.Hope this helps.
How can I trust the science of psychology when a therapist that's interpreting my behaviour can somehow justify president Trump's behaviour and vote for him?
There are a lot of assumptions in this question about psychology and psychotherapy. Here is what I have concluded as a psychologist after 40+ years of practicing psychotherapy and 30+ years of training psychotherapists:(1) The “science of psychology” is entirely unrelated to the political views of any individual psychotherapist—although it may be influenced by them.(2) The term “science of psychology” wrongly assumes that all of psychology claims to be a science.There are multiple moving “parts” in psychology, and some of the them qualify as “science,” such as well constructed research projects on attachment issues in children. Other things, such as theories about how to practice psychotherapy, are often more like creative art forms with utility than pure science.(3) In general, the training of psychotherapists is apolitical and does not delve into or attempt to influence any particular clinician’s politics.(4) All sorts of people with all sorts of personal issues and views can be excellent psychotherapists.My favorite supervisor during my training was an alcoholic and her politics were different than mine. She was still a great therapist. I chose her as the therapist I needed when my father died—but I had to keep my appointments early in the day because she started drinking in the afternoon. And, of course, I did not talk politics with her—I talked about my conflicted feelings about my father.(5) As a psychotherapist, I work with people of all (or no) religious, cultural, and political orientations. As a therapist, I do not care who my clients vote for.What might possibly be relevant to their therapy is the underlying reason why they are attracted to a particular candidate or political party.(6) Not all types of psychotherapy use interpretation by the therapist as a main tool.Many of us are trying to set up therapeutic conditions in which you gain insight into your issues on your own and through your own self-reflection learn something useful.As a Gestalt therapist, I often invent “experiments” for my client to try and then we talk together about the results. Neither of us knows ahead of time what will come out of the experiment.Here is an example of an experiment that I recently suggested to a narcissistic client. This man lacked self knowledge about what he liked and disliked because he had been choosing things almost totally for their status enhancing value. I asked him to buy a pack of assorted colors of construction paper. His task was to look through them in the morning and pay attention to his own gut reaction to the different colors and notice which colors he was drawn to today and which ones he was repelled by.(7) If you have “whole object relations” and “object constancy,” you will expect that you and your therapist will have some areas of disagreement.As a result of being able to simultaneously see both liked and disliked aspects of other people (whole object relations), you are likely to accept that there will always be things about any therapist that you might wish were different.(8) Unless Donald Trump is your father, brother or husband, he is unlikely to be the reason you sought psychotherapy—although his election might have triggered some of your deeper issues.If your therapist has been useful to you so far, you might want to take advantage of this situation. Instead of separating yourself from this therapist, or even more globally from all of psychology, you could delve into your underlying reasons why your therapist’s political views are so important to you.Everything that we strongly react to in other people has the potential to give us information about ourselves. What can you learn about yourself from your reaction?Punchline: If your therapist is not imposing his or her political choices on you and is otherwise an excellent therapist, you might want to reconsider your need to have your therapist’s political views mirror your own. This difference of opinion could be turned into a useful therapeutic opportunity to explore your own reactions to learning about your therapist’s political views.A2AElinor Greenberg, PhD, CGPIn private practice in NYC and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.www.elinorgreenberg.com
Are there any gravitational anomalies?
There are no known disagreements with Einstein's theory of gravity, known as general relativity.There are things called "gravitational anomalies" but they refer to unexpected deviations in a gravitational field that are presumed to be due to unexpected accumulations (or deficits) of mass. The presumed existence of dark matter is one example. Gravitational fields are measured from airplanes to try to detect oil and gas deposits underground. The hidden Chixulub crater, the location of the impact that killed the dinosaurs, was first noticed by its pattern of a gravitational anomaly. Here is a pseudo image of the Chixulub anomaly, taken from overhead airplane flights.
Do conservatives have a hard time differentiating between disagreement and censorship?
No, of course not. Conservatives and liberals disagree fundamentally about the term “political correctness,” both in its definition and its application in society. Quite a few on the left argue that political correctness “just means not being an asshole,” to quote one phrase I’ve seen around here, while quite a few on the right see P.C. arguments as creeping tyranny aimed at suppressing ideas that the left views as threatening.Without basic agreement on defining terms, we’re not having any form of substantive political debate. One might just as easily ask if liberals have a hard time differentiating between disagreement and censorship, since they so often confuse the latter for the former! Censoring one’s opponents is not a viable form of disagreement, after all.So who’s right? Honestly, it probably depends on your personal perspective. I don’t have much sympathy for the view that a discussion of public policy must be conducted in offensive terms, and I really don’t think that it’s much of an imposition to avoid inflammatory language.But I also recognize that some members of the political left have made quite a bit of hay out of mocking free speech concerns and employing whatever tools they have to suppress speech with which they disagree. Even among the left, by the way, this hasn’t escaped notice. Via Freddie deBoer, a liberal academic writer discussing freedom of speech on college campuses:In recent years, one of the ways that lefties signal their adherence to shared social norms is through an eye-rolling dismissal of any concern about free speech whatsoever. This is accomplished by putting “free speech” in scare quotes, calling it “freeze peach,” and otherwise theatrically demonstrating that there is no reason a leftist should ever worry themselves about controversies related to free expression. Everybody knows that free speech is only ever obstructed in the singular instance of the state sending people to arrest you for what you say. Nothing else qualifies.Now this, it turns out, is untrue – there is a vast and complex set of questions, legal and moral, that are bound up in our concept of free speech, and those controversies stretch back to the philosophical foundations of that concept. The term “free speech” does not and has never referred only to the specific legal protections of the First Amendment. Leftists who wave away any free speech concerns that are not literally a matter of state violence are embracing libertarian ideology; the left has always stood for the notion that private power can be coercive and destructive. A democracy can’t function if employers feel impunity for firing people based on their political expression away from work, even if there is no First Amendment protection against them doing so. You’ve heard this all from me before.(…)We need to re-embrace a robust definition of academic and political freedom on campus – not limitless, not tolerant of actual incitements to violence or slurs that genuinely and directly exclude marginalized people from the educational process, but robust and erring on the side of more freedom and not less. That means no crackdowns on leftist professors joking about the absurd white genocide narrative. It means no attempts by university administrators to shut down grad students who are trying to unionize. It means no David Horowitz-style witch hunts looking for leftist “indoctrination” on campus. It also means you don’t defund a student newspaper for running an editorial that criticizes BlackLivesMatter, you don’t make demands that a college formally punish students that critique your protests, and you don’t file a Title IX complaint against a professor that publishes an essay that you don’t like. I’m sorry to be such a boring normie about this, but the fact is that when you selectively endorse free expression, your complaint loses power. More speech, on campus and elsewhere. Less coercion against the exercise of free expression. And for god’s sake stop trying to get people fired because you don’t like their tweets!(a norm of free expression, on campus or elsewhere, is good, that’s my thoughts)I might not agree with deBoer on much in politics, but I think he captures the point nicely here. And his argument goes further than just the college campus; he articulates quite nicely what conservatives are denouncing when they argue against some prominent forms of political correctness.The three linked incidents he cites are real. They happened, and they’re three among dozens if not hundreds of similar examples that conservatives can cite. They’re the type of thing conservatives are thinking about when they argue against being P.C. You can try to redefine the term more narrowly, and you can argue as strenuously as you’d like that conservatives are just playing the victim in the face of basic disagreements.Still, at some point, you’ll need to reckon with these types of attacks on principled freedom of expression, no matter where you fall in politics. Sure, they’re not the entirety of the P.C. movement, and sure, I have no doubt that some conservatives are playing them up a bit.But that doesn’t mean conservatives confuse disagreement and censorship.
Why is there so much hatred towards Obama? I am not American, and I am not so familiar with what he did, or didn't do, but I am noticing more and more hatred towards him.
II’ll try to answer as best I can.Before Obama, look at the portrait of all presidents before him: white, and Protestant (except Kennedy, he was a Catholic. That’s all I know).Many of the people who hated Obama were born in the 50’s and 60’s and 70’s. Such as my dad who was born in 1956. Meaning up until 2008 they saw white Christian presidents with names like Bill,” “Ronald,” “Jimmy,”, etc. Then in 2008 came an African American named Barrack Hussein Obama who was born to a Muslim from Kenya and a mother who was atheist. The way I see it, it is subconsciously those individuals like my father who hated him because the pattern had been interrupted. And no one likes change when you’ve done something for so long. They had felt as if “their” country was being destroyed because of an African American being president.The next thing is the time he came in: after eight years of continued trickle down economics which climaxes into the Great Recession is 2008. Cause by Bush, caused by republican policies that have shown to not work in the short nor long term. It simply concentrates wealth in the hands of the rich and drives up debts and deficits. but people like my father didn’t care in the end. “As long as a democrat isn’t president we’re good to go”, I heard him say. So when Obama became president in 2008 and said things like:“Hey, Americans (key word) should have access to affordable healthcare”.“Americans should have access to affordable college”.“Americans should have a living wage (AS IT WAS THE PURPOSE OF THE MINIMUM WAGE CREATED BY FDR IN THE 1930’s).Conservatives and republicans lost their minds. They’re lives were upside down and now an African American democrat was president.So they looked to anything to tarnish his name or downplay his accomplishments and overplay his failures.Obama orders the attack and killing of Osama bin Laden.Republicans: well he didn’t actual kill Osama it was the Seals on the ground.”Remember all military operations of this kind are authorized by the president. Let’s say Obama doesn’t authorize it. Republicans would’ve had a field day saying Obama was too chicken **** to do what was necessary to stop the terrorists.Obama passes the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 as a stimulus package to bail out car companies so as to not allow millions of Americans to go out of business, and to invest in middle and lower class Americans to rebuild after 2008. Republicans all of a sudden say it’s not the government’s job to meddle in the economy and this is Stalin in the making, because why not.After the Colorado movie theater shooting, Sandy Hook, Orlando, when Obama called for a new look on guns and gun control, republicans and conservatives said that he was going to burn the constitution, take our guns, throw us in FEMA camps, etc., etc., never happened.When Obama passed the Affordable Care Act as a means to take a step forward in providing quality cheap medical care to everyone and to at least DO SOMETHING to help Americans. Yes, I can agree that package wasn’t the greatest (2014 individual mandate), but it was SOMETHING. FUCKING SOMETHING TO HELP, (excuse my English please).What did republicans do? Bitch and complain and make great conspiracy theories about how it was all gonna lead to liberal LGBT communist socialist collectivist nazi CIS-hating take over of American “traditional values”.I think I’ve made my point. But conservatives and republicans hate him simply because he wasn’t a white Christian named “Roger Roggington” who spoke with a southern accent.
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